November 13, 2006
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing and yet know exactly what I'm doing all at the same time.
I booked my ticket to Vancouver last night. I felt hesitant about it but I think that as just because I feel hesitant about everything right now. It's almost as if I'm numb to making decisions. I guess I just feel like I've made so many of them in recent years and have so many more laying ahead of me, and that's tiring. In the last five years I've constantly revisted the question that I think we all have to answer in our twenties. What defines our adulthood?
I read a definition once of the word 'few' that said it was any number between three and ten. I feel like it was just a few years ago that I graduated from high school, but it's far closer to ten than three. My best friends have been so, for more than ten years, one for twenty and I've had conversations that include the sentence, "My god has it really been thriteen years since I last saw you? You haven't changed a bit." All these are things I associate with adulthood, so too are things like holding down a steady job, travelling the world, having many friends who live long distances away, having a niece who's innocence moves me like nothing else, and thinking about the kids I may have one day...one day...but still I think about it and that's kinda..hmmm?
The thing is, I may be twenty-six but on many days I still feel twenty-one, or twenty-two, some days I feel sixteen again. So does that feeling ever go away? To be honest I really hope not. I love that I can still sit and talk to kids, to understand them and enjoy their company, sometimes more than that of adults, if I can be honest. That is not something I ever want to lose, but where then does that feeling of wanting, and being totally ready, to settle down come from? I guess you just know when you know, I believe I will, but I think it's that feeling that finally makes you really feel like you have got both feet firmly planted in adulthood. Can we define that feeling with any one life event, as we define adolescence through puberty, childhood through abiltiy to walk around and assert yourself, and newborn by birth?
I think that marriage is the first obvious answer to defining your adulthood but as I get older I question just how firmly both feet are planted at marriage. Huge committment, NO QUESTION! But does it make you an adult? I'm not so sure. I think that marriage (or simply making whatever kind of lifetime committment you feel suits your relationship) is the first step over the line and over the years certainly your other foot shall follow. A career will certainly force both feet over the line, by being the steady force throughout all other adulthood markers, but not the most powerful.
I don't think there is anything in the world that can propel you into adulthood like having a child of your own. All of a sudden a brand new, fresh, untouched slate of a life lies in your hands. You are now responsible for teaching this little thing how to be a good person and hopefully become a resposible, caring, happy adult. There is no responsibility greater than that in the world, and when taken seriously, I don't think anything else can grow you up like that.
Having provided a small glimpse into my contemplations of life I return to the fact that I have no idea and every idea of what I'm doing right now, all at the same time. I felt hesitant to buy my ticket out west because it's one way. With no apartment here to come back to, it leaves a wide open field in front of me. It's not like I don't know a number of people who have moved west not to return for a long long time...if ever. Don't get me wrong, I have every intention of coming back, at this point or at some point anyway.
I do however, also have many friends out there, including my dear friend of twenty years, and the luxury of being able to take my work on the road, at least within the country. It leaves many a possibility waiting for me out there too, and for someone who lives life according to opportunity presented to her, that leaves it all up in the air. So, I guess what I mean by my opening statement is this. I have no idea what I'm doing or what's going to happen beyond the fact that I'm flying to Vancouver on January 16th, but I know that I'm doing that and I know I'm doing it cause everything in me says I need to be out west right now. How long I stay remains to be determined.
I guess we'll see what happens. Stay out there or come home, I'm going to have a much better winter if I can frolick in the mountains.
